Delia Balmer's seething anger in Until I Kill You helps me to feel my own.

Delia Balmer’s Story: Her Miraculous Survival of John Sweeney, is an incredible show to watch.

I have just finished watching the fourth and final episode of a show called Until I Kill You, which is airing on TVNZ+ in New Zealand and is now on global release. The gripping true story of how Delia Balmer survived a series of violent attacks at the hands of a man who should never have been free to commit his heinous crimes.

The show was aired in weekly episodes, therefore I couldn’t binge-watch, which thinking about it, is possibly an excellent thing, as I fear I would have crawled out of my skin.

I have known sociopaths like John Sweeny. Some were not as fully formed as him or a true sociopath, but dam close, close enough to make me realise that even when one was found guilty of strangling me, I was never going to escape any of them truly. As Delia kept saying all the way through, you are never “free”, after that horror has scared your body, mind and soul. All of those men that could have killed me, most moved in as well, they also very quickly took over my home and life. Looking back it is easy to see it as a warning sign, but among the chaos, life is not that simple or clear-cut.

They all have the same way of saying put-downs as if to put me in my place. I heard them on this show as the memories washed over me, leaving a blood stain that I can’t quite wash out. One of them I had met through an ex of mine and their friends, I regret not thinking that through. He was an ex-musician who wanted to get back into the scene, so he moved down and into my house. I brought him a Laney amp and got it shipped over from Australia as they had none in stock. Then I found him a job. I also had parties and a birthday party for him, as I used to have lots of parties back then. They were never good enough, nothing ever was. Now an alarm bell goes off in my head, but back then when he would come home and I was at the table writing on my laptop I think about how it was in MBs back then amazes me as now we are into TBs, anyway, he complained that he had been working all day and here I was just writing. It dug in deep enough to still be felt in my heart because it was so constant you do not get enough time to self-talk your self-esteem back up again, which is just how they like it.

All of them would use put-downs as a form of control that now leaves me seething, but it has taken me years and years to get to the angry stage. What I admire so deeply about Delia Balmer is that she was seething right from the start. Her strong sense of agency stands so tall, so much so that everyone around her, indeed in the world was not ready for someone like her, to be yelling at all the wrongs that EVERYONE was doing. I punched my arm in the air every single time she lost it at someone, then I would feel immediately sick as my own body responded to having no sense of agency.

You could see all the way through with her that she knew everything that was happening was an injustice. She didn’t just know, she yelled it. Her strong sense of self is admirable. All the horrendous abuse that I suffered in my childhood meant that I never had agency in my life. It has taken a lifetime of therapy to try and gain some, and I could see Delia lose her sense of agency whenever the police or the courts took it away from her. I placed my hand on my heart every single time. I inhaled my tears, not ready to feel my seething rage.

The way Delia screams and yells at everyone in her orbit is somewhat shocking to watch. I can see how for some, it could be misinterpreted, I sincerely hope not. The show is set in the 1990s onwards when the world was still utterly useless in how they treated victims of abuse and horrific crimes. The police all over the world and the courts were not safe places for any victim to face. They were all caught up in victim blaming. You can only hope the world has grown up since then, but the evidence appearing before my eyes, tends to disagree, the world still blames the victim.

Delia’s anger is placed directly at a specific target, aimed at the people who wronged her, like the police or the courts. Whereas I have known women who have always been angry at everything and everyone, they are vastly different from this. Those people came across as having righteous anger. One old friend Donna, was like this, I see now how she is so very different to Delia, as Donna had that very working-class anger, that was scattered and bombed at everyone, all of the time. Back when I knew her I didn’t understand, it just never sat with me. Donna’s anger was vicious and vile. I could never see just what exactly she was angry about. We have all known people like that.

Delia’s seething anger is worlds apart, which is why it is easier to sit with. With Delia you see her yell at the police officer who just said an extremely victim-blaming statement as does the dam defence lawyer, my goodness, I yelled at them as well. Or the boyfriend who had good intentions but underneath it all cannot understand her, which leads him to start saying nasty stuff, so Delia yells back. I adore her for that.

That is what agency looks like. I wish for all victims and survivors to deeply hear that.

The way Delia is so angry is appropriate, and we all need to take that on board. Usually on shows you never see the real honestness of anger as it is honesty portrayed in this show, which feels more like a documentary rather than a show. Her courage, honesty and fortitude are something I deeply admire. I still fall down holes with my PTSD trauma responses known as fight or fight, fawning, and freezing. Delia has such a strong sense of self that she doesn’t show that, she fights through. Even though all the moments when she wanted to die, the scene when she is under the bed will stay with me forever.

I hope everyone sees that as a healthy response because how she coped is incredibly healthy. It is the type of response, that seething anger, is what I am learning about in therapy. All the way through you can feel her terror, it is so loud it takes up all the air in the room, as my memories of terror flood through me. Delia is a superhero and if anyone victim blames her, I will lose my shit as I have never done so before.